Eliana M. Hernandez College Essay-Draft “Who’s your mother?” she said (ASKED). “You are, mom” I responded. “Well, it doesn’t seem like it,. Why you don’t trust me?” she said (ASKED). “I do. It’s that I knew you were going to blow it out of proportion,” I said. “Well, I don’t consider you my daughter” she said. My mouth dropped. My heart was demolished (LOOK FOR A BETTER VERB) into a million pieces, hearing those words come out her mouth. The argument went back and forth that night. It was the night where (WHEN) I lost my trust (IN WHAT? IN WHOM?), where (WHEN) they (WHO ARE "THEY"?) would stop (STOPPED) acknowledging me (AS WHAT?) and last but not least when she said she doesn’t consider me her daughter, just for talking to my brother (THIS SEEMS REDUNDANT). During winter break (WHEN?) I found out that I had a brother and I felt so shocked but I expected it sooner or later (CONFUSING--HOW CAN YOU BE SHOCKED WHEN YOU WERE EXPECTING SOMETHING LIKE THIS. REVISE FOR CLARITY.). Once again my father was keeping something from me and the rest of my family.(WHEN DID HE KEEP SOMETHING FROM YOU THE FIRST TIME?) I just had a month only speaking to him and until this day I still wonder how they (WHO ARE THEY?) found out. (I AM CONFUSED ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER. WAS HE LIVING WITH YOU? IF NOT, WHERE WAS HE LIVING? DID YOU HAVE REGULAR CONTACT WITH HIM? IF NOT, HOW OFTEN DID YOU SPEAK WITH HIM?) A typical seventeen year old shouldn’t (SHOULD NOT) have to deal with conflicts like these even less hear their mom say such things like this.(YOU HAVE A VERY STRONG OPENING THAT CATCHES YOUR READER'S ATTENTION. I AM CURIOUS, HOWEVER, TO KNOW WHY YOU ARE TELLING THIS STORY. WITH WHAT IMPRESSION DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE THE READER?
Eliana’s SAT’s Scores
06/2010, SAT Subject Test
500 Mathematics Levels 1 550 Spanish
05/2010, SAT Test 380 Reading 490 Math
390 Writing
01/2010, SAT Test 320 Reading 450 Math 430 Writing
College Essay-Draft
“Who’s your mother?” she said (ASKED).
“You are, mom” I responded.
“Well, it doesn’t seem like it,. Why you don’t trust me?” she said (ASKED).
“I do. It’s that I knew you were going to blow it out of proportion,” I said.
“Well, I don’t consider you my daughter” she said.
My mouth dropped. My heart was demolished (LOOK FOR A BETTER VERB) into a million pieces, hearing those words come out her mouth. The argument went back and forth that night. It was the night where (WHEN) I lost my trust (IN WHAT? IN WHOM?), where (WHEN) they (WHO ARE "THEY"?) would stop (STOPPED) acknowledging me (AS WHAT?) and last but not least when she said she doesn’t consider me her daughter, just for talking to my brother (THIS SEEMS REDUNDANT). During winter break (WHEN?) I found out that I had a brother and I felt so shocked but I expected it sooner or later (CONFUSING--HOW CAN YOU BE SHOCKED WHEN YOU WERE EXPECTING SOMETHING LIKE THIS. REVISE FOR CLARITY.). Once again my father was keeping something from me and the rest of my family.(WHEN DID HE KEEP SOMETHING FROM YOU THE FIRST TIME?) I just had a month only speaking to him and until this day I still wonder how they (WHO ARE THEY?) found out. (I AM CONFUSED ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FATHER. WAS HE LIVING WITH YOU? IF NOT, WHERE WAS HE LIVING? DID YOU HAVE REGULAR CONTACT WITH HIM? IF NOT, HOW OFTEN DID YOU SPEAK WITH HIM?) A typical seventeen year old shouldn’t (SHOULD NOT) have to deal with conflicts like these even less hear their mom say such things like this.(YOU HAVE A VERY STRONG OPENING THAT CATCHES YOUR READER'S ATTENTION. I AM CURIOUS, HOWEVER, TO KNOW WHY YOU ARE TELLING THIS STORY. WITH WHAT IMPRESSION DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE THE READER?
Eliana’s SAT’s Scores
06/2010, SAT Subject Test
500 Mathematics Levels 1
550 Spanish
05/2010, SAT Test
380 Reading
490 Math
390 Writing
01/2010, SAT Test
320 Reading
450 Math
430 Writing
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